Hey-op! This is meant to be a very casual and very unofficial guide to London for people who don’t mind using their brain when planning their trip/life and who would like to make the most of their stay in London… It’s basically a list of Dos and Donts, Visits and Avoids, Hints and Tips and cool (and cheap, since I’m, as you may have noticed, a student and this has sort of stigmatised my way of life – especially from the budget point of view) places to get something to eat and/or drink… and enjoy the city fully, not just blindly following the crowds or Marco Polo kind of guide.

No matter what I may say when I’m pissed off with the amount of money going on rent/minute, randomers chasing me on the way from work, noise and smell – I really like the city. It’s active. It responds to you. It’s full of little colourful surprises, cosy places to enjoy a cup of coffee/smoothie/crayfish sandwich/English tea/wine/beer. People (and clothes for people) are of all shapes, styles and sizes, just like Sainsbury’s Basics Apples. It’s not true that it rains in London all the time. It’s not even true that it’s sooo expensive (after having been to Scandinavia), it’s just the accomodation (you know me -> this problem is usually sorted out very quickly then), transport and night life, if you want to get pissed in a club. Otherwise the prices are fairly reasonable – especially if you have a job.

London may seem chaotic – locals call it busy and vibrant. Or diry – local call it traditional. Of course you can possibly not accomodate 9mil people in large flats located “quite yet central” and preferably with a large garden. You have to size up your preferences – you want to live central and cheap? Count on narrow staircases, old carpets, squeaky windows and washable paint in your tiny bedroom. So what? When else do you want to live in the beating heart of London, where it never gets dark (it does in a way, but the sky never gets black, but sort of orangey yellow…)? A spitting distance from anything a young creative and curious person needs?

Now when you are new to London, you probably want to some of the obligatory touristy stuff. There is nothing wrong about it, of course, but remember two things: 1. a big number of places are hermaphrodite-like, that is, not English or Londonish, simply bearing tourist identity – and are at any time of the day surrounded by crowds of either tourists or drunk teenagers and/or freshers. 2. are simply not worth it.

Stupidly Overrated Places:

1. Madamme Tussauds and London Planetarium – I feel sorry for the crowds of Italian high-school students queuing outside this bizzare institution, this image also does not seem to alter! Any time of the day, really even at 10am on Wednesday morning you can bet that there will be a (probably South-European or German) group of tourists longing for an overpriced experience…

2. Notting Hill and Portobello road. It’s really bad, jam packed with female Spanish tourists, overpriced, nothing special after having been to Camden Market, where the more quality stuff is sold and where it is generally bigger and cooler. Unless you want to pick up a Spanish or Italian girl(s). Of course, other things such as dancing (or sleeping) puddles may appear there. But at the price of being squashed in a crowd… No, thanks. The location is nice, well I only went there to explore the Notthing Hill movie settings and did not become lured into the crowd, in a maniac way trying to make a bargain at any price. According to Mark, however, there is a very nice sandwich bar there somewhere. I know it doesn’t really help but I’ll update this once I find out the details.  Also, I got my ears pierced in the local tatoo studio (and am still alive), the guy was very scary YET friendly and professional… Recommended it to other friends, everybody has been happy so far

3. London Zoo. Have you seen elephants before? Yes. Unless you don’t know what to do with your fifteen quid, just don’t. Go to Queen’s Garden instead, just like 100m from the entrance. Enjoy the beautiful and amazingly edibly smelling roses – and hypercute ducks and geese and waterfalls and.. and…

4.  Hyde Park – the bit around Marble Arch especially. Dull and dirty – eww, pigeons – but I get the point, still a nice place to relax, unlike the surroundings. The best thing worth a visit is the statue of Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens, just off Hyde Park.

5. The Tower of London – WHY?? There is nothing to see in there, the ravens are all around the area, the shop is always open, the beefeaters are hanging around as well – and the fortress is dull, you won’t see more once you donate 15 pound and are obliged to entre than what you would see from outside….

Shopping:

1. OK. Oxford Street. Even thought it’s crowded and overpriced, but definitelly worth popping in that huuuuge Selfridges (and use the loo there:) and then do your clothes shopping in Primark. Smooth! No, honestly, it is worth the experience. Same applies to Piccadilly Circus and around, especially handy if you want to proceed to Soho or do some records shopping.

2. Fopp for quality DVDs! Tis been reopenened, bless HMV!

3. Bricklane and Brixton markets for weekends… expect crowds of tourists as well as Londoners. Food stalls, clothes, this and that, second hand stalls, loads of junk, joy… The only places (together with Golders Green), as far as I know, to get kholrabi!

4. Cheap clothes shopping? Hammersmith! Take the 27 bus from Camden all the way down there. It’s a very nice journey, enjoy the view. It takes almost an hour, but it’s really worth it! You’ll be driving past Baker Street, Paddington, Notting Hill, Kensington… There’s a big Primark there, selling even duvets and pillows (any students?), TkMaxx and such. And it’s quite central too. On the way back I recommend the Hammersmith and City line (pink), since you’ll be going past the BBC TV Centre – satellites, mmm (Shepherd’s Bush Station).

5. Golder’s Green – to get genuine bagels and other Jewish (<3) groceries.

6. Charity Shops – anywhere, especially within zones 2-3! My favourite ones are located on Kentish Town – hm, Road or High Street? Can’t miss it tho!

Other umentioned places of – certainly- your interest:

1. Hampstead – to enjoy the REAL English atmoshpere, order a REAL English tea and a delicious cake with it – and dream about moving to there…. If you would like to extend this experience, I recommend buying a cheap bus or train ticket and go to Cottswolds or Surrey – or at least to Amersham (on the underground).

2. Museums and Galleries – Entrance is Free, a shelter when the weahter is playing up – and wait, I actually LIKE art!

3. The City. Not as obscure as La Defénce, but still interesting enough to visit!

4. Marylebone High. While your less smart friends wonder off to enjoy the popular shit at Madame Tussauds, you can enjoy a truly English noon break at one of the most inviting streets in Central London – a spitting distance from Baker St, especially suitable for those who are not big Sherlock Holmes fans. Marylebone High is basically a cosy cut.out from some lovely tiny English town, somewhere in Surrey or so. Fishmongers, proper Butcher, lovely Waitrose with wooden shelves, Charity shops selling proper clothes, cosy cafés, bakeries, argh! Everything and everybody seems so calm and casual. Once in a while some sort of a special market is organized there (on premises of the local primary school), also worth a visit. My yesterday’s scoop is an old children’s book with beautiful illustrations… <3

Clubs and pubs:

1. Kentish Town Flowerpot – any time

2. King’s Cross area – the Cross, The Key, and Canvas.

3. Koko – because it’s basically so close

4. Ministry of Sound + the Farringdon cluster – the Fabric, Turnmills, The End.